There is nothing more difficult than watching your daughter struggle with a relationship that you know she shouldn’t be in. The young man has never physically hurt your little girl, but you know he doesn’t respect her the way you expect. The hardest part of watching the drama unfold is that you also know that you need to let her make her own mistakes and find her own resolution - with a healthy dose of parental guidance of course. When my wife and I sat down with our beautiful daughter to express our concerns, we asked her what she was going to do going forward. The next 15 minutes not only revealed the level of emotional intelligence of my daughter, but struck me how valuable her approach was in dealing with difficult bosses at work.
Many of us have experienced a “horrible boss” at some point in our lives - belligerent men or women that don’t respect their team or their contributions to the organization. I have personally witnessed a CEO call their staff “stupid” and “incompetent” in emails and in-front of other team members. This post is not directed at to those people (you know who you are) - this post is directed to those individuals that like their company and enjoy their job, but have experienced instances where their boss has been abusive.
Ideally, you would both have been trained on the utilization of the Issue Clearing Model - and are able to follow the process… but my guess is that neither of you have been trained effective communication or you wouldn’t be in this situation. In lieu of formal training, here are 5 things my daughter identified to resolve her situation.
- Set boundaries: Some bosses, like some boyfriends, will push the limits of a relationship. There are always instances where the business requires you to put in the extra effort - your responsibility is to seize the moment, show you are a team player and deliver your best effort. On the other hand, regular requests to work late and on the weekends is beyond the norm. Be careful to relent to their desires, as it may set a dangerous precedent with expectations that by agreeing to the request, it will set the basis of a new norm. Learn to set boundaries and more importantly, when to stick to them.
- Recognize your value: Regardless of your positional or organizational power within a company, you have value and are worthy of respect. When bosses stop giving you the respect you deserve, they no longer view you as a human with needs, emotions, and aspirations - you are an object that is to be used as they see fit. Start by reminding yourself of that fact - YOU HAVE VALUE! You work hard, you have a great work ethic, you are a good collaborator and your co-workers enjoy working with you. You do not deserve to be treated poorly.
- Stand up for yourself: When you are confronted with an abusive statement or degrading comment, you need to stand up for yourself. I don't recommend lashing out at that moment - emotions will be high and you will both most likely say things you regret. Instead, I recommend that you ask to speak to the individual in private. When you are alone, try to control your emotions and speak calmly and directly. Ask the other person to let you share your thoughts without interruption. Focus on facts - not judgements and emotions - be precise about dates / times where you felt abused. Next, share your judgements (the story in your head) about why they may be treating you the way they are. Next - its important to express your feelings - how you feel when they speak to you in an inappropriate manner. Take ownership - rarely is conflict a one way street, so own up to your part in the situation. Finally - tell them what you want - be specific.
- Know when it’s time to walk away: If you have set boundaries and attempted to address the issue directly and nothing changes, I recommend you seek assistance from another company leader or human resources to discuss your concerns. If you do not feel that is an option, or it does not help - know when its time to leave. I’m not suggesting you just walk out the door - make a plan. Save as much as possible; make sure your resume is up to date; look for internal postings; engage your LinkedIn Network and hopefully have a new opportunity secured in advance.
- Seek out relationships that are aligned with your values: Learn from your experience and pay particular attention to leadership styles in your next job search. Ask a lot of questions about how they manage under stressful situations, how they deal with conflict and ask to talk with the team. Be sure to learn as much about the company’s values and culture as possible before you start a new position - seek out supportive, engaged, and collaborative teams with a leader that looks to improve performance through constructive feedback.
You will be happy to know that my daughter quickly went through her plan and after she set boundaries and found her young boyfriend pushing her limits, she opened her eyes - realized there were a lot of boys that were interested in her and started to stand up for herself. Even after “the boy” as I started to call him, changed his attitude, she realized that it was most likely a temporary change and that she would be better off leaving the relationship and finding a group of friends that were more aligned with her values.
Workplace conflict and abuse may be a different animal - I get it - you have bills to pay and mouths to feed. It’s not the same as just breaking up with a boy… but don't tell that to a sixteen year old girl. In the end, both situations are difficult in their own way - but neither situation is one that you should endure.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Brian Thomas is the Founder of RoundTable.Solution, a firm 100% dedicated to improving the operational excellence of companies in the Home Services space. Brian has an undergraduate degree in Communications, an MBA in Operations and multiple certificates from the University of Notre Dame in Advanced Negotiations and Conflict Resolution. Contact RoundTable.Solutions to see how they can help you take your company to the next level.